Hello ABC Contestants. It has been a while since we last spoke. Much has transpired over the past 2 days, making this the most successful Anyone But Cro Invitational in history. Never before has Cro fallen so hard and so fast. I want to apologize for the lack of posts recently. After my 5 day bender which took me up and down New Castle County, my immune system decided it was going to shut down and leave me bed ridden until Thursday. Not really, but I have felt awful all week. And breathing pretty much isn’t an option at this point.
I was attending a Bloc Party concert on Saturday night with follow ABCers Shaun and Fritz, and Cro Himself, when I could feel my body beginning to shut down. I think the boat race in which I came in dead last pretty much sealed my fate. I thought I chugged that adult beverage pretty quickly, but when I had finished everyone was staring at me. Joke’s on me I guess. Anyways, we enjoyed a very good show, and headed to McFadden’s for some post concert drinks. Shaun took a sip of one beer and decided he would rather have a threesome with two cheesesteaks in his hotel room then stick out the remainder of the night. He gracefully left the posse. Only Cro, Fritz and I remained. Fritz decided shots of Grand Marnier were the appropriate way to start the…. “post-gaming” I guess it would be called. I knew it was a terrible idea. I had been drinking since Thursday morning. I was tired. I missed my bed. So of course I took the shot after some arm twisting. As I was trying not to regurgitate all over the bar, some girl approached me and told me her friend thought I was cute. Don’t know how that possible at that juncture since I was soaked in sweat and looked like I was about to get sick. We got to talking, did some dancing, and exchanged phone numbers. Were these girls grade A? Not even close. By that point, I was willing to swallow my pride and just have some fun. I would rather do a little dancing with some girls then stand around in a circle of guys and talk about the same thing we’d been talking about for 3 days at the point. Even if the girls are the hottest in the bar. I stand by the decision. Question it all you want. Fritz played the role of wing man. One of the best I’ve ever had. I congratulate you on your efforts sir. Meanwhile, Cro watching from a distance, as he clearly disapproved of the girls that had selected us as their dancing partners. When we got back to the hotel room, an intoxicated Cro attempted to have a serious conversation with me. The following dialogue ensued:
Cro: “Unk, I want to tell you something, and I don’t want you to take it personally.”
Me: “OK, Cro. Sure what is it? Anything for you Cro.”
Cro: “Next time you go out, how bout you show a little discretion?”
Me: “Interesting you should say that Cro”
Cro: “zzzzz” (Passed out face down on the bed. Shoes still on. No Sharpie in sight. Helplessness overwhelms me, and I go to sleep also).
As you all know, Cro has Memphis winning the tournament this year. He claims he had his champ picked out for about a month at this point. And I’m sure you all know that Memphis lost. So with that, Cro is officially eliminated. We have ONCE AGAIN prevailed in making sure that Cro is not victorious. We have gone a perfect 6 for 6, and can carry on the tradition for another year.
On another note, we have some new leaders in this year’s tournament. Check out the standings below. I will comment on the eliminated people after the standings. If you’re name is mentioned, you cannot finish in 1st place. This does not mean you can’t place.
Here are the standings after the Sweet 16:
Nico T 84
Jenna Lawall 81
Big Mike 79
Fritz Ablao 79
Jake Hoffman 78
Chris Woody 78
Shaun Askin 77
Uncle Kermit 77
Tony K 76
Chris Fusco 76
Adam Tatz 74
EEB 74
Tom Moffa 73
Little Kermit 73
Mike Lambros 72
President Obama 72
Mike Y 71
Matt Atallian 70
Pat Shields 70
Boy Pierce 70
Phil Imbesi 69
Brandon Gravett 69
Mike Smith 68
Sports Illustrated 65
Dosh Whye 61
The Dennis 61
Michelle Folkerts 58
Drew Smith 58
CRO 54
Justin Romano 51
I cannot believe the top 3 standings. How is Nico in sole possession of first place? I knew he’s reading this right now screaming “YESS!!!” and doing a little happy dance in his bedroom. I’m willing to bet my right arm that his laptop is running on AC power and is currently sitting at the foot of his bed. He is laying in his bed with no shirt on and green pajama pants. He is also wrapped up in some sort of University of Delaware blanket of comforter. I’m also willing to bet that he’s wearing UD slippers because his feet are cold. Just a shot in the dark. I could be wrong.
I’m also dismayed at Jenna having sole possession of 2nd place. I’ve talked so many smacks on her in prior years that she only picks favorites to win now. Can’t really knock her though. It’s paid off the last couple years. She used to be the laughing stock of the ABC. Looks like Cro has assumed that role this year.
While it’s embarrassing to be losing to both of those people, I can’t say I’m upset about it. Both of those ABCers have been in this for many years, and both could use some financial rewards. Good luck this weekend.
OK, here are the people that are officially eliminated and cannot place in first. I’m going to start from the bottom of the standings and work my way up.
Justin Romano – eliminated by putting Washington in the Finals – This is more like it! Last year’s Romano bracket wasn’t the same. Way too good. Thanks for delivering the goods again this year. I know your only goal is to defeat my brother, but it looks like he has another notch in his belt. Also, I know you’re mourning the Kansas loss tonight. Just know that I have shed a few tears myself.
CRO – eliminated by “Cro’s Boys and the Big 10” – Cro I still don’t understand your bracket or your NCAA advice given this year. You tell me to pick with your brain, not with your heart. You claim that Tennessee was a heart pick last year and that’s why you lost. Well filling out your bracket and saying this year is all about “Cro’s Boys” leads me to believe you picked with your heart again. When are you going to learn? You also had hatred for Big 10 basketball this year, yet had 2 of them going to the Elite 8. Neither of them were Michigan State. Not sure what you were thinking, but it back fired. Have fun listening to EEB tell you he kicked your ass until next March.
Drew Smith – eliminated by Nico – you still owe me $10, so you don’t get to be commented on.
Michelle Folkerts – eliminated by Nico – Another bottom tier showing! I think you pick UNC every year too. Can’t argue with consistency, but something’s gotta change. Your bracket is like the New York Yankees. You think it’s going to win every year, but you underachieve and come up with some lame excuse about why you lost. Side Note: Keep going to NYG/Eagles games. The Birds always win when you go. Thanks.
The Dennis – eliminated by stabbing KU in the back – One of only 2 hand written brackets this year and boy did it expose you. After what KU did for you and this family last year, you had the nerve to pencil in KU in the Elite 8 and then cross them out. Not for somebody that could actually beat them like Michigan State, but for Boston College. How could you?! That’s the thanks KU gets?! I’m still in disbelief. Type your bracket next year to avoid this mess.
Dosh Whye – eliminated by Jenna – I think you’re on to something with sweetening Bud Heavy with Splenda. A low calorie sweetener means you gotta cut corners somewhere. BC was also your down fall. In the Final 4? You had a death wish filling the bracket out this year. I suppose you have B.J. Raji going #1 in next month’s NFL draft too right? Good luck with that, Fool.
Mike Smith – eliminated by Nico – I know this has got to be sweet for Nico. For some reason, all he wants to do every year is make sure he beats you in the ABC. I don’t know if you looked at him funny or what, but you better apologize. You still have your Final 4 in tact which is respectable, but BC and WVU sealed your fate last week. Thanks for entering.
Brandon Gravett – eliminated by Nico – It was hilarious to see you decked out in Ohio State gear last weekend for the Siena game. I had no idea Kate’s was so pro Siena, or else I would have been there more often. Definitely the toughest loss in the 1st round, and you handled it well. Literally everyone in the bar was cheering against you. And thanks funny to me. Thanks for turning me on to the Purple Haze; however the hangover it produced immediately turned me off. Nice work on topping Cro too.
Phil Imbesi – eliminated by EEB – Still have yet to meet you. Sorry I didn’t get back to your e-mail request this week. Illness left me not wanting to mess with a computer after using one for 9 hours a day at work. I love that your bracket was big on the Pac 10 this year. I told Cro that I was pulling for the Imbesi bracket. He told me that I “didn’t want that.” He said “Phil is a huge nerd. He’s like 6’4””. That’s some messed up smack talk Cro. You’re a short nerd. Get off Phil’s back.
Boy Pierce – eliminated by Nico – I thought the Boy Pierce entry had it this year. Even changing the Cro caption to Asskicker BJ. It was a lock. I don’t know if the Boy Pierce approach is working with the brackets though. Do you ever grow into Pre-Pubescent Pierce then on to Beer Belly Pierce? Or do you just stay Boy Pierce? I wonder what his picks would be like. Certainly Beer Belly Pierce would make it out of the Sweet 16. I think this is worth looking into.
Matt Atallian – eliminated by Wake Forest – I hate you for not following your own advice. This day will not be forgotten. The championship belt has begrudgingly put up for grabs thanks to your idiotic picks this year.
Mike Y – eliminated by Gerald Henderson – I am very pumped to see Mike Y removed from contention. While it hurts to see you beating me in the standings, knowing you had Duke winning the title makes that temporary. Thanks for entering though; it was fun drawing on your entry and listening to you yell at the TV when Duke was getting wiped all over the floor. We’ll meet up again on the fantasy field this fall.
Little Kermit – eliminated by Jon Scheyer – Thanks for entering this year. I hope you don’t take the loss too hard. You had a real nice run at the beginning, but having Duke winning is always a mistake. I hope you come back next year. Also be sure to make fun of Chris for me. I think you’re more mature then he is.
Tom Moffa – eliminated by Fritz – Another frustrating year for Tom Tight Real Tight. Nothing wrong with your bracket this year, you just can’t get past Fritz. Probably can’t get by his stupid huge Mohawk. Glad you entered though. The T-Moff entry has become a staple in this tournament. You are a Cro Hater to the highest degree.
Adam Tatz – eliminated by Jenna – Again refusing to fill out an official ABC bracket has cost you. I think once you make the switch, you’ll begin to unlock your potential. Having an all Big East Final 4 was admirable, but highly unlikely. Hope things are going well at the Martinique. A visit is needed as soon as possible.
Uncle Kermit – eliminated by himself – I know you’re new at this, but there’s a golden rule in the ABC. Cro doesn’t win. And if you have the same national champ as Cro, which means you don’t win either. I know you had no way of knowing, but as soon as I saw that you had Memphis I knew you were toast. Also, I think you look like ex-Phillies pitcher John Lieber, and I think that’s awesome. Thanks for entering this year. I hope the Hoffman’s make an appearance next year.
Shaun Askin – eliminated by Jenna – I don’t know what happened here man. Bracket is in excellent shape. You just can’t pass Jenna because she has the same picks as you from here on out. This means only one thing. If you had Nova beating Pitt in the Elite 8, you’d still be alive. Tough pill to swallow. Sorry boss.
Chris Woody – eliminated by Fritz – This also makes my day to see the King eliminated. If I can’t beat you in fantasy football, this is the next best thing. I know I didn’t beat you in this either, but you can’t win and that’s all that matters.
This concludes a lengthy Sweet 16 post. I would like to congratulate everyone who kept their names off the list for the time being. You still have some meaningful basketball left. There will be another post at the completion of the Elite 8. We’ll have a real good idea of the contenders on Sunday. Good luck to everyone that remains.
Matt
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