Bloody Mary

Post homecoming Deer Park brunch, with Blood Marys of course. Cro doesn't appreciate the traditional vodka/tomato juice/hot sauce/celery/mini shrimp. He prefers the water/ketchup/hot sauce version. Nico is helping make Cro's a little spicier.

The Final Recap

With 2.1 seconds remaining in regulation, Super Mario Chalmers rose up from the top of the key, a buried what could be the biggest shot in University of Kansas history. His bomb tied the game up a 63-63 and forced overtime in the National Championship game for the first time since 1997.

When that shot went down, the National Weather Service recorded a 5.0 on the Richter Scale coming from the Atallian residence. Assembled for the first time this tournament, the family and I were pulling hard for the Jayhawks. The standings clearly reflect why. A Jayhawk win would mean that I take first place, Big Mike takes second, and The Dennis runs away with third. So you can imagine the eruption coming from the family room at approximately 11:30 PM EST. We were back on our way to a clean sweep.

With 2:12 remaining, The Dennis noted that there were some heavy chins in the room as the Jayhawks were down 9. Things looked bleak. I had gone from champ to losing 2nd place on a stupid tiebreaker to Jenna. I was so pissed thinking about having to write a recap blog in which I lost to Jenna. Big Mike was seen with his face buried in his hands. $50 for a 14 year old is a ton of money. It was so close, and yet it seemed so far away. Somehow, we rallied the troops and knocked off the poor free throw shooting Tigers in a classic comeback victory.

I would like to congratulate Tom Tight Real Tight on a tremendous effort this year. It's amazing how quickly you can turn your back on a team in the NCAAs. Saturday night, you're going nuts because KU is dominating UNC. 48 hours later, you're cursing their comeback. I wish I could offer you some kind of consolation prize, but you tumbled all the way down to 5th place. I am still waiting for a response to my text message that informed you of not placing in the top 3. To add insult to injury, Romano passed you to take 4th place.

Romano of all people! Every year, he lives and dies by Memphis. He was the only person to have them in the final, and it worked. Only you fell one spot short of a cash prize and you still lost to Big Mike. It still has to feel like a success despite those two facts.

I also want to congratulate the Dennis and Big Mike for their outstanding brackets. Picking the champ is not an easy thing to do. Especially with me preaching Kansas since the beginning of November. The Dennis claims he was brainwashed into picking KU, but I don't expect any complains from him now. Also, his winnings were spent on a new bottle of celebratory Sambuca. The old bottle was polished off after KU sealed the victory.

If you guys think I cheated for whatever reason, I'll be more than happy to show everyone's bracket to you for proof. I'll even send them to PriceWaterhouseCoopers for an independent audit. I feel bad for winning the ABC for the 2nd time in 3 years, but there's nothing I can do. You guys just need to step your game up next year. Maybe I'll rename it Anyone But UJ, but it doesn't have the same ring as Cro.

For those of you who failed to beat Cro, shame on you. He had a terrible year this year with his champ not even making it out of the Sweet 16. That's a prime opportunity guys!! It's like missing 4 out of 5 foul shots down the stretch to blow a lead in the final minute of the National Championship game.

There will still be Cro hating going on between now and next March. I'll be adding some Cro stories here and there. I'll also be keeping tabs on Cro's Fantasy Baseball team and letting you know how he's doing there. Key baseball players to hate this year are Brian McCann and Prince Fielder. I don't care who wins the baseball league, as long as its not Cro. His team currently sits 10th out of 12.

Anyway, here are the final standings for the 5th Annual Anyone But Cro Invitational. Thanks again to everyone for participating. See you all next March!

Sincerely yours,
Matthew Atallian-Chalmers

Matt Atallian 141
BIG MIKE 136
The Dennis 133
Justin Romano 127
Tom Moffa 118
Jenna Lawall 116
Sports Illustrated 113
Chris Fusco 112
Michelle Folkerts 111
Pat Shields 108
Ken Zuroick 101
EEB SON 99
Adam Tatz 98
D-Weeze 96
Brandon Gravett 94
Nico Tennant 93
Chris Woody 88
CRO 87
Mike Smith 84
Ryan Fontana 84
Fritz Abalo 81
A.C Billz IV 80
Boy Pierce 75
Phil Imbesi 72
Derek Fuhrmann 70
Amanda Short 66
King Chaz 52

Standings after the Elite 8

The weekend is officially over, and all but 4 (more on that later) of us are left wondering what happened. There were really no good games this weekend until my Kansas Jayhawks held off Stephen Curry and the Davidson Wildcats. The kid was lights out in the first half once he got going. Curry got off to a rough start, going 0 for 5 from the field but quickly got hot until the game hung in the balance. Coming down the stretch, Curry missed 6 or 7 shots in a row that would have given Davidson the edge. He did hit a 3 with 54 seconds left to cut the lead to 2, but KU proved to be too much inside for the Wildcats in the long run.

In other news, Memphis slapped Texas’s ass in Houston, much to the chagrin of D-Weeze. His bracket lived and died by Texas. As soon as Texas went down, so did he. So Dosh, I recommend putting on the original Young Jeezy CD and settle in for a marathon of America’s Next Top Model. It will take your mind of the Texas loss for the time being. Look on the bright side, you defeated Cro. In the end, that’s all anyone can ask for. You leave the ABC with your dignity in tact.

UCLA dominated Xavier from wire to wire in Phoenix. Cro was seen crying in Las Vegas during this game. We suspect it was a combination of Kevin Love dominating the Musketeers and Cro busting his elbow in an attempt to fill up an ice bucket at the Luxor hotel. After the Tennessee loss, he was unavailable for comment as he fled the East Coast in an attempt to escape the wrath of the ABC. For the 5th year in a row, he will not be crowned champ. We owe it all to Rick Pitino and the Louisville Cards. Tennessee really had no chance from the opening tip. They were down 16 before they knew what the hell hit him.

Enough rambling. Lets get down to the crux of the ABC Standings. As mentioned earlier, there are only 4 people left standing after the Elite 8. They are as follows:

Jenna Lawall
Chris Fusco
Tom Moffa
Matt Atallian

I have a few comments on the remaining contestants before the winning scenarios are revealed. First and foremost, I would like to congratulate Chris and Jenna for both selected all 4 Final Four teams correctly. I know, it doesn’t take much knowledge or balls to pencil in all 4 #1 seeds, but it is the first time in history that all 4 #1 seeds have advanced to the Final Four. I’m pretty pumped about that, since it provides some really interesting matchups.

Conversely, I am pissed that Chris and Jenna are still in contention. Every year, I look forward to ripping on Jenna when she is eliminated. Two years ago, she stooped so low as to pick teams by the color of their court. I am embarrassed to be losing to her right now, and so should all of you. Also, I think Chris and Jenna are in cahoots. My theory is they simply entered two VERY similar brackets in hopes to collect both 1st and 2nd prize from us and then split the winnings. This gets under my skin. So in that case, I hope you both loose and receive nothing. Good day SIR!

Also, Tom Tight Real Tight has advanced to the Final Four of the ABC Invitational for the first time Moffa family history. I know he must be pumped out of his mind right now. You now have bragging rights over Kenny and Fontana for the rest of the year. He deserves the bid, since he was the biggest proponent of taking down Cro Thursday night. Sure he had Louisville winning, but the first thing he mentioned was he desire to see Cro fall. Congrats to you and good luck next weekend.

Lastly, I am still alive after fighting off a 2 for 11 start from Brandon Rush tonight. It was way too close for comfort, but the Bill Self squad found a way to sneak in. I would like to assure all of you that I did not look at one of your e-mailed brackets until mine was complete. It would be unfair of me to submit my bracket after scouring all of yours for games where I may pick up points. I did it honorably, and besides, I probably won’t win anyway, so no need to worry.

Here are the scenarios in the Championship game and the ABC winner as a result:

North Carolina beats Memphis – Chris Fusco
North Carolina beats UCLA – Chris Fusco
Kansas beats Memphis – Matt Atallian
Kansas beats UCLA – Matt Atallian
Memphis beats North Carolina – Jenna Lawall
Memphis beats Kansas – Tom Moffa
UCLA beats North Carolina – Jenna Lawall
UCLA beats Kansas – Tom Moffa

And the standings following the completion of the Elite 8:

Jenna Lawall 116
Chris Fusco 112
Tom Moffa 103
Ken Zuroick 101
Matt Atallian 101
Sports Illustrated 98
BIG MIKE 96
Michelle Folkerts 96
D-Weeze 96
Brandon Gravett 94
Nico Tennant 93
Pat Shields 93
The Dennis 93
Chris Woody 88
CRO 87
Mike Smith 84
Ryan Fontana 84
EEB SON 84
Adam Tatz 83
Fritz Abalo 81
A.C Billz IV 80
Boy Pierce 75
Phil Imbesi 72
Justin Romano 72
Derek Fuhrmann 70
Amanda Short 66
King Chaz 52

On a side note, the battle between Big Mike and perennial bottom feeder Justin Romano has been settled. The edge goes to Big Mike again. Romano, I'm sorry that you have to listen to my brother talk trash for another year. I'll keep him in check for you. It'll be a long year till you have a shot to shut his yap.

Again, thank you all for making the ABC such a great success this year. It was the biggest in terms of entrants and by far the coolest with the addition of the website. Thanks for paying on time, with the exception of Fontana, Fritz, and the other two Atallian’s in the pool. I know we’ll square up soon.

And lastly, thank you to Anonymous for that amazing Cro story posted after the 2nd Round standings were unveiled. It truly was a work of art, and I have submitted it to the Library of Congress and the Pulitzer Prize Committee. It will be forever enshrined in history, and will be read in many many high school English classes in the near future. It was so deep and emotional. It truly touched every Cro Haters soul.

Keep an eye out for updated standings after the Final Four on Saturday. It will be important for you all to see if you pass Cro in the standings. A word to the wise, Cro cannot gain anymore more points, as he had Tennessee over Texas in the final. He is locked in at 87.

Standings and Officially Eliminated List after Sweet 16

The standings are listed below. Rant will ensue later this weekend. Having to be at the Stamp Center at 9 AM tomorrow morning has put a severe damper on the rant, and has prohibited me from giving it the attention it deserves. Also, if your name appears on the Eliminated list, you cannot come in first place. That is not to say you can't come in 2nd however. Unless you are the likes of King Chaz, who is absolutely removed from any contention. I will have choice words for you elimantees come Sunday.

Sports Illustrated 78
CRO 77
Jenna Lawall 76
Pat Shields 73
Nico Tennant 73
Tom Moffa 73
Chris Fusco 72
Ken Zuroick 71
Matt Atallian 71
Chris Woody 68
BIG MIKE 66
Michelle Folkerts 66
D-Weeze 66
Ryan Fontana 64
Mike Smith 64
Brandon Gravett 64
The Dennis 63
Adam Tatz 63
Fritz Abalo 61
A.C Billz IV 60
Amanda Short 56
Boy Pierce 55
EEB SON 54
Phil Imbesi 52
Justin Romano 52
Derek Fuhrmann 50
King Chaz 42

Eliminated as of March 28, 2008:
Ken Zuroick
BIG MIKE
Michelle Folkerts
Ryan Fontana
Mike Smith
The Dennis
Adam Tatz
Fritz Abalo
A.C Billz IV
Amanda Short
Boy Pierce
EEB SON
Phil Imbesi
Derek Fuhrmann
King Chaz

ABC Invitational - 2nd Round Standings

Undoubtedly one of the worst NCAA weekends in the history of NCAA weekends as far as Cro in concerned. I have to be honest here; the kid has picked them well this year. Believe me guys, it pains me to admit that. He pointed out that he hasn’t needed red marker since Friday. I was distraught when he mentioned this tidbit of information. I mean Tennessee escaped Butler and WKU and Davidson made the Sweet 16. I am already losing focus trying to write this update, that’s how upset I am.

But as I gather my thoughts and take a collective breath, we must realize one thing. As follower He-Man Cro Haters, we MUST stick together. If I had to peg Cro as one Little Rascal, he would be Alfalfa. He always seems to know what he talking about. Granted, he doesn’t spin the meanest game, but he is consistent in his ways. I mean, in no way do you want to be him because of the hardships he faces (25 people opposing him), but he handles the pressure in his own way that you have to respect. In the classic 1994 film, Alfalfa wins the Soap Box Derby by the length of his cow-lick. This is where things are different. I believe if we rally as a group, we can prevent this so called “Cro Magnon Man” from winning the title for a 5th year in a row.

Do you guys remember the DARE classes we had in grade school? One of the defenses to someone asking to you do drugs was strength in numbers. This principle could not be truer at this moment. While seeing Cro in the lead at this moment may induce use of drugs, it is important to realize that if we stick together, we will overcome.

This is a common theme through every ABC invitational. Cro is in the select few at the top after the first weekend. Everyone is upset. Then come the second weekend, his picks fall apart. We have no reason to fear. A wise man once said, “The only thing to fear is fear itself.” Cro will be stopped. I will not rest until it so.

Also, I believe it was another wise man who said “Ask not what the ABC Invitational can do for you, but what you can do for the ABC Invitational.” And if I am not mistaken, in the early 1900's, third wise man said "Speak softly, and kick Cro's ass in the ABC."

It is people like Boy Pierce, while I commend the ballsy picks, who have let down the ABC cause. He was without a doubt hit the hardest over the Saturday / Sunday periods. Poor Pierce has suffered losses of two Final Four teams in Georgetown and Marquette and now finds himself in the ranks of EEB and Fritz. It appears the better days are behind you Sir. Remember that time we beat Holy Angels in basketball and Wayne spazzed during the post game speech? Those were indeed the better days. I look forward to you being able to channel that intensity for next year, and finally be able to knock off Cro.

Speaking of EEB and Fritz, you guys have struggled from the get go. How does one pick 16 of the first 32 games wrong? You have to go against common sense to make the picks you made. After all the talkking up of Davidson you did so much last year, I could have sworn you would be on the bandwagon again this year. But for some reason, you ditched your boys at the last second, and they deservedly stabbed you in the back. Your bracket isn’t in that bad of shape yet, but it will happen in due time.

As for some other contestants, I’m left scratching my head. One name that comes to mind is Phil Imbesi. How could this happen? You packed serious heat last year, only to fall severely off pace this year. I don’t know what those clowns do out in St. Louis, but it is obvious that having the Bilikins as your only source of b-ball has had a direct effect on your picks. You need to get out of that town ASAP, or my name isn’t Jibbs featuring Jibbs. Do your chain hang low? Do it wobble to and fro? It is apparent at this juncture that your chain has lost its wobble. Sorry bout your luck.

Also, Brandon Gravett has found himself on the short end of the stick once again this year. I appreciate his effort in traveling to Newark, DE to root against Cro. We fell short in the Drake / WKU game, and I am still recovering. I really can’t rip on you too much because you bought me a Car Bomb after the San Diego win, for which I am eternally grateful.

I will leave you guys on that note. Look for a post between now and Thursday with a list of officially eliminated contestants. If you find you name on the list, it simply means you cannot take first place. You are still eligible for second or third place. Payout for this years ABC will be $200 to the winner, $50 to second place, and third place will get their $10 back.

Here are the standings following Round 2:

CRO 52
Pat Shields 48
Chris Fusco 47
BIG MIKE 46
Jenna Lawall 46
Amanda Short 46
Matt Atallian 46
Ryan Fontana 44
Nico Tennant 43
Tom Moffa 43
Sports Illustrated 43
D-Weeze 41
Ken Zuroick 41
A.C Billz IV 40
Derek Fuhrmann 40
Mike Smith 39
Brandon Gravett 39
The Dennis 38
Chris Woody 38
Adam Tatz 38
Justin Romano 37
Phil Imbesi 37
Fritz Abalo 36
Michelle Folkerts 36
Boy Pierce 35
EEB SON 34
King Chaz 32

ABC Invitational - 1st Round Standings

The scene was Grotto’s Pizza on Main Street on the campus of the University of Delaware. The place was mobbed with townies who cheer for the chalk teams. It was apparent that picking an upset was against the townie code. We had just eaten two pizzas and downed some beers. Western Kentucky was up big on Drake and I was about to flip on Cro if I heard “Hilltoppers!!” with a finger wag one more time. However, Drake made a run and the game ended up going into overtime. Long story short, Western Kentucky hit a shot with no time left on the clock to win it, and sent Grotto’s into an absolutely frenzy. I felt like I had just been shot behind the left knee as I had collapsed in a heap behind our table. Cro was overjoyed and we had to hear about how he loves the ABC. Absolute nonsense.

I have beef with Cro because he talked too much hype about how ridiculous he was going to look for the Tennessee game. He had away messages 2 weeks prior that stated “Tennessee gear is in.” He slept in a disgustingly bright orange “In Bruce We Trust” t-shirt. He woke up and told me orange was sexy. However, at the bar, he covered his VOLS t-shirt with an Abercrombie hoodie and had his Tennessee headband on for less than a half of the game. The entire time the headband was on, he was beat red. I’m assuming he was self conscious about his image. A true Bruce Pearl fan would have shown up in orange body paint and suspenders. Intense my ass. Intense was the last word that came to mind. If one word could describe Cro’s performance, it was concerned. American could have easily won the game. Tennessee will not win the championship because they can’t shoot foul shots and can’t rebound.

Lets not panic yet though Cro Haters. As you can tell from his bracket, he has USC in the Elite 8. It was incredible to see him in shambles at Matilda’s. I wish you were all there to revel in my elation. Nothing, NOTHING, is better than watching Cro lose.

A close second is watching Cutter lose. After suffering through Red Sox championships, Patriots 18-1 (hahahah) season, and the Celts going from worst to first, Cutter has fallen on hard times. He has USC in the Final Four. What an idiot! He’ll make up some excuse like “Yo, I don’t care. I don’t know anything about b-ball.” Nobody knows anything about basketball. But it is great to see Cutter suck so early. I can only hope that his misery continues. One of the best K-State wins ever.

Amanda “Pants” Short is the other person that deserves a “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?!” Poor girl had Vanderbilt in the Final Four, only to see them lose to the Siena Saints. She’s lucky she’s downstate this weekend to avoid the ridicule!!

After making a phone call to the Atallian residence, Big Mike informed me that The Dennis was found in the family room in shambles after the San Diego victory. He was furious that he had lost two games in a row to overtime buzzer beaters. Picking the close one separates me the men from the boys. At least it wasn’t the Oregon Ducks that cooked your Goose this year.

I must admit, I had San Diego beating Connecticut today. I don’t want to brag, but me and The King (not you Woody) are the only ones who predicted that game correctly. I almost wanted them to lose so it would make it more difficult for WKU to advance to the Sweet 16. This is the dedication we need in this invitational. Putting your bracket in jeopardy to make things more difficult for Cro. See the quote below:

“Cro, because he has no athletic bone in his body, assumes he knows everything about sports because he watches everything.” ~ EEB. This premise makes watching NCAA game with Cro one of the most irritating things ever.

Also I would like to comment on the Fritz Ablao bracket. Not only did he not email a proper bracket, he finds himself at the bottom looking up. It won’t last long though, hes only suffered one double nidge with Drake in the Sweet 16.

I know the rant was weak this go round. I promise the intensity will be better tomorrow after my bracket goes down the tubes. I am going to end this rant with a visual:

Eric Brooking laying on his couch. Wrapped up in a yellow UD fleece blanket. Blowing air into an empty Yuengling bottle. Uttering to himself, “God, why the hell did I pick Boise State?!”

Here are the standings after Round 1:

Pat Shields 26
BIG MIKE 26
Tom Moffa 25
Chris Fusco 25
Jenna Lawall 24
CRO 24
A.C Billz IV 24
Amanda Short 24
The Dennis 24
Ryan Fontana 24
Matt Atallian 24
D-Weeze 23
Boy Pierce 23
Sports Illustrated 23
Nico Tennant 23
Michelle Folkerts 22
King Chaz 22
Justin Romano 21
Mike Smith 21
Brandon Gravett 21
Derek Fuhrmann 20
Chris Woody 20
Adam Tatz 20
Phil Imbesi 19
Ken Zuroick 19
EEB SON 18
Fritz Abalo 16

Cro Bracket - Get Your Red Pens Ready

click the image to view fullsize.

Get your red pens ready to cross out Cro's teams.
Know where you stand against him at all times.

good luck everyone (except Cro)

Point Values

1st Round - 1 point
2nd Round - 2 points
Sweet 16 - 5 points
Elite 8 - 10 points
Final Four - 15 points
National Champ - 25 points

Submitting Bracket

Hello and welcome the 5th Annual Anyone But Cro Invitational! As many of you are aware, the brackets were released yesterday at 6:00PM. You will find an official ABC Bracket on the left hand side of this page. When you click the link, it will open the Excel bracket in whatever Internet Browser you are using. To save a copy to your computer, simply go File ---> Save As. After you are statisfied with your picks, and think they are worthy of taking down Cro, please e-mail to matt.atallian@gmail.com as an attachment. The committee will send a confirmation email within 24 hours of receiving your bracket. Please note that your bracket must be submitted by noon on Thursday!!! This is when the tournament starts. No late entries please!!

Good luck to everyone. Scoring procedures will be posted tomorrow.

Cro Video "Not So Quick to Back Down"

Cro Story - Rock-a-bye, Cro B

Cro decided it would be a good idea to have "baby Cro spit up time" in his bed after a night of drinking. (he also hit the floor of the bathroom because i asked him to move so i can pee. of course he waits to be moved away from the toilet before puking)

So being the good Roomie that I am, I volunteer to go with Cro to the laundromat to clean his sheets, blankets, pillow cases and the 2 bath mats.

We jam everything we can into the biggest machine they got. Drop in 14 quarters and watch it go.

A couple minutes later, soapy water starts to pour out from the bottom of the door of the machine. Apparently in our desire for a clean bed, we got a bath mat stuck in the door. Water is everywhere, Cro is splashing around in it like a baby manatee (ahh referencing and old post)

We try to stop it with some stuff we found there, but really didn't care about cleaning up after ourselves, it was much funnier to watch it flood.

I got bored and got a egg roll from across the street.

After about 45 min of "haha were flooding the laundromat" and "mmm egg roll" the flooding has slowed.

The machine stops, and we take a look at the bath mat, which now sports a nice burn mark where it was stuck in the door and spun for the past hour or so.

Cro News - Big Bed

According to LiL B 811: big bed comes today

So here at ABC we want our reader to decide what Cro will do first in his new big bed

(yes, bed comes today and polling ends tomorrow, but whatever)

Cro Story - Childhood Dream Within Reach

Cro’s lifelong dream of becoming a male cheerleader took one more step to becoming a reality this past weekend. On Sunday, he was spotted entering Dolphin Stadium in Miami, Florida for the Marlin’s all-male, all-obese cheerleading squad: the Manatees.

Manatees, also referred to as “Sea Cows” or “Meg Griffins”, aren’t exactly the most nimble of creatures. Marlins front office wants their Manatees to be able to be a little more graceful, and being able to bust a move certainly won’t hurt.

Team officials said they want “big bellies with the biggest jiggle, big feet with the best dance moves and enthusiasm that will rock Marlins' fans out of their seats.” The Manatees will not be paid; however, they will receive free tickets to the games in which they perform. When asked about the opportunity, Cro could barley contain himself.

“I’ve always had a passion for cheerleading and this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for guys like myself.”

“I’ve worked hard for this [gut], ya know? This is years of drinking, and its something I hold very close to me. My mom has always told me if you got it, flaunt it.”

“Since we won’t be receiving monetary compensation, I’m clearly not in for the money. It would be an honor and a privilege to be one of the inaugural Manatees.”

“We’re trying to make history here. Cheerleading has long been dominated by females. Fat guys wanna cheer too. And who knows, maybe you’ll see us on Sportscenter this summer.”

Cro’s audition routine consisted of dances such as the Perculator, Macarena, Electric Slide, and a variation of the smash hit Soulja Boy. He declined to comment on how the audition went, but when pressed he did say his Soulja Boy “killed.”

Final cuts won’t be posted until sometime later this week, but Cro is confident he will be among the 7 to 10 guys drafted.

For more on the Manatees: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080224/ap_on_fe_st/odd_fat_cheerleaders

Keep your fingers crossed.

Cro Story - The Big Brown Moose

For those of you who don’t know, Cro and I work in buildings that are adjacent to each other. Because of this proximity, we dine together often during our lunch breaks. So during one of these lunch breaks in December, I told Cro of how I pooped my pants the night before I had to report to court to testify as a witness. I don’t know how it happened; I woke up in a pool of sweat at like 4 in the morning, only to find that I had voided my bowels in my PJs. Cro thought this was amazing that a grown man could poop his pants. He thought he was so far above such a juvenile, but hilarious act. He laughed in my face, called me names, and bragged about not being able to remember the last time he pooped his pants. I would have my revenge sooner than I had anticipated.

On Tuesday January 8th, around 12:30 PM, Cro and I left the premises for a 5-Star lunch at T-Bizzy (slang for Taco Bell). He had called out of work the day before, claiming a stomach ailment. However, the next day he felt he was up to go South of the Border. Cro, refusing to think outside the bun and try something new, got his usual 3 Supreme Gorditas, no sour cream. Because sour cream is icky.

We sit down in a booth in the back corner and begin to eat our meals. About halfway through, Cro proclaims that he has to fart, but was feeling gun shy since he was still recovering from a bug that had caused him diarrhea only 24 hours prior. Keep in mind, when I pooped my pants, he bragged that if he ever was unsure about a fart, he would squeeze cheek until he could sit on a bowl, thus preventing shitty pants.

For whatever reason, Cro leans to his left and decides to let fly. Silence follows. After about 30 seconds of staring at the table without speaking, Cro looks at me and says, “Dude, I’m not sure” ... “I think I may have.”

You can imagine my face at this point. My eyes lit up like a kid at Christmas. Cro is beside himself at what just happened, and says to me “I think I better go check.” Cro proceeds to slide out of the booth and make his way to the bathroom. He is not 2 feet away from the booth when I burst out in laughter. There is a wet spot right over his b-crack where the shart had leaked through. It was true! The impossible had become possible. Cro, a man who takes every known precaution for every known activity, had shit himself in public.

To make matters worse, Cro had to return to work for the next 3 ½ hours. He was still stunned that he had pooped his pants. He asked me for advice, since I was apparently an expert on the matter. The following dialogue ensued:

“Dude, if I were you, I would through those things out, and buy news ones at Target.”
“I’m not throwing these out.”
“What, why not?? You can get boxers for like 4 for $10”
“Not these boxers.”
“What, do you wear Abercrombie boxers too?”
“Yes.”
“HAHAHAHAHAHA.”

Cro did not buy new boxers. He parked on the upper level of the AIG parking garage, stripped down to his bare ass. He worked the rest of the day commando. What happened to the shitty boxers you wonder?

They were placed in his trunk, where they stayed until Cro arrived home around 5:30. Another pair of Abercrombie boxers salvaged. Thank God.

UJ

Cro Story - Tatzpiece and Cro-yo in NYC

So Cro came up to NY for Aunt Rachaels friends birthday.

We head into the city, grab some dinner at an irish bar, then walk over to the other bar.

we start downing Jack and cokes and rum and cokes. I complain to the bar tender that Cro's drinks aren't strong enough (they gave him the little boy amount of alcohol. I made sure to fix that.)

At around 1245 we head out to penn station, to make sure we catch the 110-ish train (next one was at 2:57). The Taxi pulls up to Penn, I pay the man and we get out. Cro stumbles a bit, then pukes all over a cement road divider. He claims thats it for the puking, Hes feeling much better

we get downstairs and onto the train. Were standing in the vestibule by the train doors. Cro is squatting down, facing the floor with his arm holding onto a handle for dear life. 3 girls ask me if my friends gonna be okay. I say "yeah he's fine, does this all the time"

we get to jamaica and a seat opens up, he goes in first, i get the aisle....

...I wake up and were at Westbury (we get off at the next stop) i look next to me and Cro is kneeling on the floor,arms folded face down on his seat. i notices a little liquid dribbling out from his face. more and more reddish brownish chunky liquid come out. he looks at me, puke all over his seat. DING, we're at Hicksville (our stop), I jump up grab him and get off the train.

Parents pick us up, we go home. My mother will not allow him to return because he is a drunk.

The next day we watch the eagles loss.

Cutting the Tape

This website is dedicated to the one, the only, Cro. He has provided us with many memories over the years, and I felt it was appropriate to share them with the world. He has also has the ability to make you hate any sports teams or athlete that he roots for. This is especially true come March Madness, when his teams are doing well and yours suck. When he is atop the leaderboard, and you are not. It really sets you off when he rubs it in your face, and when he told you shoud have picked Vanderbilt or Nevada. Teams I can't stand now. This happens every year, and has forced me to officially rename the Unky J Bracket Buster to the Anyone But Cro Invitational.

We will be running the updates, standings, and rants through here. Also, we will be able to exchange fond Cro stories and hopefully get commentary from Cro himself on said stories.

Brackets can be e-mailed to matt.atallian@gmail.com and entry fee will be accepted via PayPal. More details to come.

Until then, Cro, we love you. Hope you make your picks well this year, because any slip ups will be well publicized.

UJ