Cro Story - Rock-a-bye, Cro B

Cro decided it would be a good idea to have "baby Cro spit up time" in his bed after a night of drinking. (he also hit the floor of the bathroom because i asked him to move so i can pee. of course he waits to be moved away from the toilet before puking)

So being the good Roomie that I am, I volunteer to go with Cro to the laundromat to clean his sheets, blankets, pillow cases and the 2 bath mats.

We jam everything we can into the biggest machine they got. Drop in 14 quarters and watch it go.

A couple minutes later, soapy water starts to pour out from the bottom of the door of the machine. Apparently in our desire for a clean bed, we got a bath mat stuck in the door. Water is everywhere, Cro is splashing around in it like a baby manatee (ahh referencing and old post)

We try to stop it with some stuff we found there, but really didn't care about cleaning up after ourselves, it was much funnier to watch it flood.

I got bored and got a egg roll from across the street.

After about 45 min of "haha were flooding the laundromat" and "mmm egg roll" the flooding has slowed.

The machine stops, and we take a look at the bath mat, which now sports a nice burn mark where it was stuck in the door and spun for the past hour or so.

Cro News - Big Bed

According to LiL B 811: big bed comes today

So here at ABC we want our reader to decide what Cro will do first in his new big bed

(yes, bed comes today and polling ends tomorrow, but whatever)

Cro Story - Childhood Dream Within Reach

Cro’s lifelong dream of becoming a male cheerleader took one more step to becoming a reality this past weekend. On Sunday, he was spotted entering Dolphin Stadium in Miami, Florida for the Marlin’s all-male, all-obese cheerleading squad: the Manatees.

Manatees, also referred to as “Sea Cows” or “Meg Griffins”, aren’t exactly the most nimble of creatures. Marlins front office wants their Manatees to be able to be a little more graceful, and being able to bust a move certainly won’t hurt.

Team officials said they want “big bellies with the biggest jiggle, big feet with the best dance moves and enthusiasm that will rock Marlins' fans out of their seats.” The Manatees will not be paid; however, they will receive free tickets to the games in which they perform. When asked about the opportunity, Cro could barley contain himself.

“I’ve always had a passion for cheerleading and this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for guys like myself.”

“I’ve worked hard for this [gut], ya know? This is years of drinking, and its something I hold very close to me. My mom has always told me if you got it, flaunt it.”

“Since we won’t be receiving monetary compensation, I’m clearly not in for the money. It would be an honor and a privilege to be one of the inaugural Manatees.”

“We’re trying to make history here. Cheerleading has long been dominated by females. Fat guys wanna cheer too. And who knows, maybe you’ll see us on Sportscenter this summer.”

Cro’s audition routine consisted of dances such as the Perculator, Macarena, Electric Slide, and a variation of the smash hit Soulja Boy. He declined to comment on how the audition went, but when pressed he did say his Soulja Boy “killed.”

Final cuts won’t be posted until sometime later this week, but Cro is confident he will be among the 7 to 10 guys drafted.

For more on the Manatees: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080224/ap_on_fe_st/odd_fat_cheerleaders

Keep your fingers crossed.

Cro Story - The Big Brown Moose

For those of you who don’t know, Cro and I work in buildings that are adjacent to each other. Because of this proximity, we dine together often during our lunch breaks. So during one of these lunch breaks in December, I told Cro of how I pooped my pants the night before I had to report to court to testify as a witness. I don’t know how it happened; I woke up in a pool of sweat at like 4 in the morning, only to find that I had voided my bowels in my PJs. Cro thought this was amazing that a grown man could poop his pants. He thought he was so far above such a juvenile, but hilarious act. He laughed in my face, called me names, and bragged about not being able to remember the last time he pooped his pants. I would have my revenge sooner than I had anticipated.

On Tuesday January 8th, around 12:30 PM, Cro and I left the premises for a 5-Star lunch at T-Bizzy (slang for Taco Bell). He had called out of work the day before, claiming a stomach ailment. However, the next day he felt he was up to go South of the Border. Cro, refusing to think outside the bun and try something new, got his usual 3 Supreme Gorditas, no sour cream. Because sour cream is icky.

We sit down in a booth in the back corner and begin to eat our meals. About halfway through, Cro proclaims that he has to fart, but was feeling gun shy since he was still recovering from a bug that had caused him diarrhea only 24 hours prior. Keep in mind, when I pooped my pants, he bragged that if he ever was unsure about a fart, he would squeeze cheek until he could sit on a bowl, thus preventing shitty pants.

For whatever reason, Cro leans to his left and decides to let fly. Silence follows. After about 30 seconds of staring at the table without speaking, Cro looks at me and says, “Dude, I’m not sure” ... “I think I may have.”

You can imagine my face at this point. My eyes lit up like a kid at Christmas. Cro is beside himself at what just happened, and says to me “I think I better go check.” Cro proceeds to slide out of the booth and make his way to the bathroom. He is not 2 feet away from the booth when I burst out in laughter. There is a wet spot right over his b-crack where the shart had leaked through. It was true! The impossible had become possible. Cro, a man who takes every known precaution for every known activity, had shit himself in public.

To make matters worse, Cro had to return to work for the next 3 ½ hours. He was still stunned that he had pooped his pants. He asked me for advice, since I was apparently an expert on the matter. The following dialogue ensued:

“Dude, if I were you, I would through those things out, and buy news ones at Target.”
“I’m not throwing these out.”
“What, why not?? You can get boxers for like 4 for $10”
“Not these boxers.”
“What, do you wear Abercrombie boxers too?”
“Yes.”
“HAHAHAHAHAHA.”

Cro did not buy new boxers. He parked on the upper level of the AIG parking garage, stripped down to his bare ass. He worked the rest of the day commando. What happened to the shitty boxers you wonder?

They were placed in his trunk, where they stayed until Cro arrived home around 5:30. Another pair of Abercrombie boxers salvaged. Thank God.

UJ

Cro Story - Tatzpiece and Cro-yo in NYC

So Cro came up to NY for Aunt Rachaels friends birthday.

We head into the city, grab some dinner at an irish bar, then walk over to the other bar.

we start downing Jack and cokes and rum and cokes. I complain to the bar tender that Cro's drinks aren't strong enough (they gave him the little boy amount of alcohol. I made sure to fix that.)

At around 1245 we head out to penn station, to make sure we catch the 110-ish train (next one was at 2:57). The Taxi pulls up to Penn, I pay the man and we get out. Cro stumbles a bit, then pukes all over a cement road divider. He claims thats it for the puking, Hes feeling much better

we get downstairs and onto the train. Were standing in the vestibule by the train doors. Cro is squatting down, facing the floor with his arm holding onto a handle for dear life. 3 girls ask me if my friends gonna be okay. I say "yeah he's fine, does this all the time"

we get to jamaica and a seat opens up, he goes in first, i get the aisle....

...I wake up and were at Westbury (we get off at the next stop) i look next to me and Cro is kneeling on the floor,arms folded face down on his seat. i notices a little liquid dribbling out from his face. more and more reddish brownish chunky liquid come out. he looks at me, puke all over his seat. DING, we're at Hicksville (our stop), I jump up grab him and get off the train.

Parents pick us up, we go home. My mother will not allow him to return because he is a drunk.

The next day we watch the eagles loss.

Cutting the Tape

This website is dedicated to the one, the only, Cro. He has provided us with many memories over the years, and I felt it was appropriate to share them with the world. He has also has the ability to make you hate any sports teams or athlete that he roots for. This is especially true come March Madness, when his teams are doing well and yours suck. When he is atop the leaderboard, and you are not. It really sets you off when he rubs it in your face, and when he told you shoud have picked Vanderbilt or Nevada. Teams I can't stand now. This happens every year, and has forced me to officially rename the Unky J Bracket Buster to the Anyone But Cro Invitational.

We will be running the updates, standings, and rants through here. Also, we will be able to exchange fond Cro stories and hopefully get commentary from Cro himself on said stories.

Brackets can be e-mailed to matt.atallian@gmail.com and entry fee will be accepted via PayPal. More details to come.

Until then, Cro, we love you. Hope you make your picks well this year, because any slip ups will be well publicized.

UJ